Things to Say (and Not to Say)

Mother's Day is right around the corner. I'm going to be completely honest, this year is going to be hard. It's the first Mother's Day without my Mom and last year I was SURE I would be a mom by this Mother's Day. The holiday hasn't bothered me before, of course I am always reminded I'm getting older with each year that passes and still not a mom. I came across this article at resolve.org. It's a good read! Be sensitive to your friends who aren't Moms. I'm not saying we need special treatment on Mother's Day just keep us in your prayers. 

25 Things to Say (and Not to Say) to Someone Living with Infertility

To Say:

1. 
   Let them know that you care.The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care.
2. Do your research. Read up about infertility, and possibly treatments or other family building options your friend is considering, so that you are informed when your friend needs to talk.
3. Act interested. Some people don’t want to talk about infertility, but some do. Let them know you’re available if they want to talk.
4. Ask them what they need. They may also appreciate if you ask them what the most helpful things to say are.
5. Provide extra outreach to your male friends. Infertility is not a woman’s-centric issue; your male friends are most likely grieving silently. Don’t push, but let them know you’re available.
6. When appropriate, encourage therapy. If you feel your friend could benefit from talking to a professional to handle his or her grief, suggest therapy gently. If you go to therapy regularly, or ever have, share your personal story.
7. Support their decision to stop treatment. No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. 
8. Remember them on Mother's and Father’s Day. With all of the activity on Mother's Day and Father’s Day, people tend to forget about those who cannot become mothers and fathers. Remember your infertile friends on these days; they will appreciate knowing that you haven't forgotten them.
9. Attend difficult appointments with them. You can offer to stay in the waiting room or come into the appointment with them. But the offer lets them know how committed you are to supporting them. 
10. Watch their older kids. Attending appointments may be difficult if they have older kids at home.
11. Offer to be an exercise buddy. Sometimes losing weight is necessary to make treatments more effective. If you know they are trying to lose weight, you could offer to join them because it would help you achieve your personal fitness goals as well. 
12. Let them know about your pregnancy. But deliver the news in a way that lets them handle their initial reaction privately – email is best.

Not To Say:

1. Don't tell them to relax. Comments such as "just relax" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.
2. Don't minimize the problem. Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. 
3. Don't say there are worse things that could happen. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Different people react to different life experiences in different ways.
4. Don't say they are not meant to be parents. “One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, ‘Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother.’” Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.
5. Don't ask why they are not trying IVF. Because most insurance plans do not cover IVF treatment, many are unable to pay for the out-of-pocket expenses. Infertility stress is physical, emotional, and financial.
6. Don't push adoption or another solution. So often infertile couples are asked, “Why don’t you just adopt?” The couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision or chose another family building option.
7. Don’t say, “You’re young, you have plenty of time to get pregnant.” Know the facts. It’s recommended that women under 35 see a fertility specialist after being unable to conceive for one year. Being young increases your chance of fertility treatments working, but it does not guarantee success.
8. Don't gossip about your friend's condition. For some, infertility treatments are a very private matter, which is why you should respect your friend’s privacy. 
9. Don't be crude. Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like, "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.
10. Don't complain about your pregnancy. For many facing infertility, it can be hard to be around other women who are pregnant. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Not complaining can make things a little easier for your friend. 
11. Don’t question their sadness about being unable to conceive a second child. Having one child does not mean a couple feels they have completed their family. Also, a couple may have had their first child naturally and easily but are now experiencing secondary infertility - infertility that comes after you’ve already had a child. 
12. Don’t ask whose “fault” it is. Male or female factor. Just because a friend has told you he or she is experiencing infertility as a couple, does not mean he or she wants to discuss the details.
13. On the other hand, don’t assume the infertility is female factor. 1/3 of infertility is female factor, 1/3 is male factor, and 1/3 is unexplained.

Sources:

• How Can I Support A Friend with Infertility

You Need Others

Mark and I married in 2001, shortly after I was diagnosed with an infertility. So we had dogs they were our children. They had a wardrobe. We spoiled them!!  Gizmo was 14 and we had him for 9 years one night he developed a bad cough and the next day he was diagnosed we heart failure and we had to put him put down. My heart broke. 

Our sweet friends showed up with a meal and flowers for us,  to show their support  

 After several unsuccessful  months of trying on our own  to get pregnant we decided to move forward to treatments. Our treatment of choice was Invitro fertilization AKA IVF.  One Friday Mark and I had a Dr  appt in Houston. We come home to found Buster our other dog who was 13 in the back yard not moving. We had him his whole life. We immediately rush him to the doggie Er only to get the news that we need to let him go! How was this happening. It had been three weeks since Gizmo had passed away  My world was fading right before my eyes.  

The next week Mark and I went ahead with the IVF. We were so excited and scared at, the same time. One treatment with no guarantee of success was over $l5,000 out of pocket, insurance doesn't cover anything related to infertility. We have an amazing root system! One dear friend wrote a story about Mark and I and created a Go fund me account another family  hosted a fundraiser on our behalf. These two events together raised $5000 which covered the injections  I would need. In the beginning of March it was go time!! My doctor was 2 hours away. So every other day for two weeks I traveled to Houston for monitoring.   It got very tiring.  But once again our support system came through. We were trying to use Marks vacation days sparingly so when he couldn't go with me to my appt our friends stepped up and went with me! One  of my dearest friends went with me to 3 appointments in one week! She even went into the room with me! At one point I had some pain and she even held my hand! Now that's a true friend:)  Galatians 6:2 carry each others burden, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. Our friends carried our burdens. 

During this time I gave myself 3 injections every night and took a hand full of pills.   Surgery day came and then five days later we transferred one embryo. Next came the dreaded part of the whole journey. The two week waiting period. My sweet mom called everyday checking on me.  was  I eating right, getting enough rest and "was I feeling any different. I think she wanted us to give her a grandchild just as bad as we wanted a child. 

Test day came!!!   went something like this. 

I will never forget sitting in staff meeting discussing "The Messiah"  a huge production put on by our Church right before Easter. That week was opening week! my phone on vibrate begins to buzz. I look at it, it's the Doctors office calling with my results of my pregnancy test from the IVF that we had done two weeks prior. My heart sinks, I get nervous. No matter what the news is our lives will forever be changed. Either we are pregnant!!! Or we are not. I stepped out into the Hallway  and I answered the phone and the sweet nurse asked "are you alone?" My worst fear was confirmed. I wasn't pregnant! The IVF, everything and Mark and I my body had been through was unsuccessful. I felt defeated.

I walked back into staff meeting with tears stinging my eyes but my head held high! I text Mark with the news. He called immediately checking on me! He was just as devastated as I. I made it through the staff meeting. Then I lost it as I told a my boss who is also my pastor and a few others. Mark and I took the rest of the day off and the next just to wrap are heads around the news. 

All day That day I allowed myself to grieve and be mopey. We went public and told all of our friends. That evening they showed up as our house with pizza and hugs! Us girls crowded on the couch and cried and the guys did what ever guys do to support each other  On Wednesday morning when I woke up I had a choice the make. I could live in defeat. Allow myself to become angry, bitter and depressed. Which is where I was headed.  Or I could lift my head, admit this is only a mountain not the end. My hubby was my rock. He was ready to talk about our next steps, to move forward right away. I was ready to quit (Just being honest)! Instead of quitting I chose to believe this wasn't "The End". It was just a step closer to the finish line. It wasn't easy but I took one day at a time. One healing hug at a time from the people who love us, pray for us and care for us!

On July 23rd I got a call the worst call of my life.  my mom and been found unresponsive in her bed. About an hour later my sister called to confirm my mom had passed away. 

I was  so angry how could God take my Mom away before we had kids. It wasn't fair that my kids would never get to meet the greatest nanny that ever lived.  I hope you seethe pattern once again our church family showed up! The Children' Ministry Team pulled together and got a visa gift card to help with my traveling Expenses, some of them drove the 4hours to attend my moms service to support Mark and I. James 5:16 therefor confess your sins one to another and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.   Our Pastor prayed with us before we headed out of town. The staff huddled around Mark and I to show their love.  Our prayers were answered my moms funeral that was going be a stressful day turned out to be a joyous day celebrating Mom. 

I didn't want to move forward with Our next treatment without my mom around. Then I  was reminded my Mom was a single mom of 6 kids she taught us how to be tough and to persevere. I knew she would want me to do another round of IVF.

So in October round two happened. Our support team covered us in prayers. This procedure was free bc we purchased a special insurance that if the first one didn't result in a Baby we would get one more try for free.  Transfer of two embryos happened.   Rest of the day is a no work day and light activity around the  house.

Then the dreaded two week wait begins again..........This time with no daily calls from my mom. This turnout out to be harder on me than before. I was really sick and extremely tired from the injections this time around. 

Test day arrives finally. The nurse calls with my result, the same as the first one, unsuccessful:(  I wondered how much more can I take? My sweet friend Shows up at the restaurant where Mark and I are having dinner also celebrating the news of a job promotion Mark received that day.  

2014 was year of Loss for me.  My favorite verse is Romans 8:28 and we know in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.  My year wasn't good but God pulled good out of every bad situation. I needed others. It was the toughest year of my life. If I wasn't in a Church I wouldn't know where I would have turned. I would not had had any hope.  We had several hundred ppl praying over us all the time. Sweet encouraging texts would come in at the right time. Marks Brotherhood pulled him close to make sure he was ok. Be Kind to one another Ephesians 4:32 Without the kindness of others we would have been all alone in our storm.