Defeated

I will never forget sitting in staff meeting discussing "The Messiah" my phone on vibrate begins to buzz. I look at it, it's the Doctors office calling with my results of my pregnancy test from the IVF that we had done two weeks prior. My heart sinks, I get nervous. No matter what the news is our lives will forever be changed. Either we are pregnant!!! Or we are not. In that moment I had a choice to make. How I was going to react to the news. I answered the phone and the sweet nurse asked "are you alone?" In that moment my worst fear was confirmed. I wasn't pregnant! The IVF, everything my body and Mark and I had been through was unsuccessful. I felt defeated.

I walked back into staff meeting with tears stinging my eyes but my head held high! I text Mark with the news. He called immediately checking on me! He was just as devastated as I. I made it through the staff meeting. Then I lost it as I told a my boss and a few others. Mark and I took the rest of the day off and the next just to wrap are heads around the news and decide our next steps. This day was the hardest part of our journey, thus far!

All day Tuesday I allowed myself to grieve and be mopey. On Wednesday morning when I woke up I had a choice the make. I could live in defeat. Allow myself to become angry, bitter and depressed. Which is where I was headed.  Or I could lift my head, admit this is only a mountain not the end. My hubby was my rock. He was ready to talk about our next steps, to move forward right away. I was ready to quit (Just being honest)! Instead of quitting I chose to believe this wasn't "The End". It was just a step closer to the finish line. It wasn't easy but I took one day at a time. One healing hug at a time from the people who love us, pray for us and care for us!

Did I question God? Of course! Did I think I was on the wrong path? For a moment, Yes!! I asked myself how could our IVF be so easy, so peaceful and be unsuccessful! Some of my questions may never be answered. Through my pain I became a little stronger, a little wiser and voice to other couples who might experience the same loss and pain. If one couple doesn't have to go through infertility alone but can hear our story and be encouraged then we are not defeated. We are Victorious!!

It's been awhile....

Boy have I missed writing! I can't believe it's been about two months. I'm so sorry! So much has happened.  Our fundraiser was amazing. A cold front came in the day of and it was freezing! Our support system didn't let that stop them! They showed up in a big way! We raised enough money to cover our IVF meds!  We started the IVF process in Feb by starting birth control. On 3/7 I went for my baseline blood work and ultrasound.  On  4/8 we received the devastating call that out IVF was unsuccessful! Mark and I were so heartbroken! I have to tell you for us the IVF process was a breeze. From the daily injections to the egg retrieval to transfer. I didn't have any complications through the whole process and for that I am so thankful! The hardest part was the traveling back and forth to Houston every other day. It got very tiring.  But once again our support system came through. We were trying to use Marks vacation days sparingly so when he couldn't go our friends stepped up and went with me! One  of my dearest friends went with me to 3 appointments in one week! She even went into the room with me! At one point I had some pain and she even held my hand! Now that's a true friend:)  After that appointment my friend said " WOW! I'm learning more about conception than I ever thought possible". So true! Mark and I have learned so much about our bodies and how they function! It's so funny!  I plan on writing another blog soon with more details about our personal experience during IVF.  We have a follow-up appointment with our Doctor  on 4/22. We do plan on doing one more round of IVF. Until next time......Much Love~The Mosley's

Feeling The Love

Hi Friends!!

Since it's the month of love I thought I would share on the topic. Mark and I LOVE each other to pieces. Also, we dream about the day when we get to hold our bundle of joy and experience the LOVE of being a parent. But that isn't the love that's heavy on my heart tonight. Tonight my heart is full of LOVE for our family and friends who make up our AWESOME support team!!

A while back we had several friends ask how they could support us. Some even asked if they could host fundraisers on our behalf. I politely declined. I didn't want to be a burden to anyone. I LOVE (there's that word again) taking care of other people and it's hard to let others take care of us. One of my friends who I had declined her help sent me a text that said "You gotta give God some room to work girlfriend". It's no secret that infertility is expensive and it isn't covered by insurance. Our ONE IVF treatment will cost roughly $16,000. We are believing God will provide the remainder of the money that we are still in need of. We had to humble ourselves and  allow God to do his work. God had already been working in the hearts of our friends because they were approaching us with the ideas and desires to help. This week I have been attending a Church Conference. One of the speakers said "just because God isn't talking to you about the answer doesn't mean He's not working on the answer".  With tears streaming down my face I knew that word was for me. Our trust is in God! I know He is working on our behalf!!! Jeremiah 29:11 says For I know the plans I have for you......His plans far exceed what we can ask or imagine. So we have happily accepted our friends willingness to hosts fundraisers in our honor.


One friend set us up a Go Fund Me page http://www.gofundme.com/6evg6s  
I'm super excited for this event!

 

If you would like to be apart of seeing a miracle take place these are just a couple of ways you can show your support.

 

 

THANK YOU IN ADVANCE!!!

We LOVE each of you!

 

 

 

One Step Closer!!!

Disclaimer: This post is a little more graphic than normal.

Today we met with our Fertility Specialist for the second time. Mark wasn't able to join me so I took a friend and we recorded the visit so Mark wouldn't be left out. We will not have another appointment with him until our egg retrieval day!! I can't believe it's about 6 weeks away!! Today I had my baseline blood work and genetics testing done. 9 tubes of blood and a couple of weeks later I will get me results. Mark will have his blood work done next week. If you are a family or friend and you aren't familiar with IVF, I'll give you a quick overview.

As always remember this is my take on things NOT a medical opinion. When I start my menstrual cycle in Feb I will begin on birth control for a month. I will also have a Sonohystogram-a special type of ultrasound. If everything comes back clear on the ultrasound when I start my period in March the IVF process will begin! I will be closely monitored while giving myself daily fertility injections. I will have two ultrasounds the first week and can do those with my local doctor who will report to my FS. Once I begin into the second week I will have ultrasounds done every other day and will be traveling to Houston for these so that my FS can monitor me more closely. When my follicles become a certain size I will go in the next day for egg retrieval. On egg retrieval day our eggs will be fertilized (with Mark's stuff) and monitored closely. After five days of our embryos growing we will go back to Houston and my FS will transfer no more than two embryos into my uterus. During this time we PRAY like crazy:). We will wait for two weeks and will take a pregnancy test to see if the baby or babies;) stuck. I make it sound like a simple process but IVF is very emotionally, physically and financially draining. Mark and I appreciate any prayers you are willing to lift up for us!!

We are so excited but I'm nervous at the same time. I know without a shadow of a doubt that this the path God wants us on! One of my favorite songs right now is Oceans by Hillsong. Here is the part that speaks to me the most.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

Infertitly is definitely taking me where my trust is without borders! My trust is in God for a successful IVF. If we had our choice we would never want to face stormy weather. We would want to stay where our feet could reach bottom! Therefore, we would never be challenged and grow in our faith. Infertility in itself  it a great faith builder. My trust is in no one but God. I'm thankful that God gives people wisdom, gifts and talents for the medical breakthroughs that have come about even since I was diagnosed twelve years ago. No matter the outcome I know God will never leave me nor forsake me. It's up to me to bask in His presence and accept His peace when the waters rise!
Much Love~The Mosley's

More about us.........

Share with us a little about who you are and what you do for a living?
Hi! My name is Cathy. My hubby is Mark. I am a Children’s Ministry Director at our local Church. I have a true heart and passion for children. I love getting to be a part of something that is bigger than myself. Mark is a QC Auditor for an Oilfield Pipe Plant. I don't really don't know what he does;)

When did you get married? Tell us a little about that day.

 

Mark and I married in 2001 at the Justice of the Peace. It was a simple day. We had a BBQ that night with our family. In 2011, on our 10^th year Anniversary we decided to renew our vows. It was the most perfect day! We had the wedding I always dreamed of!

 

What do you like to do for fun?                                                                                

Mark and I have a few things we really enjoy. We love to travel and we love football! We went to Cabo a few years and we LOVED it so much! We hope to get to go back again some day.                                                   

How long have you and your significant other been TTC?
We have been TTC pretty much our entire marriage. We have been seeking medical help for the last year and a half.

What is your infertility diagnosis?
PCOS-The issues are mine:) Of course we are in this but my body is the one not working properly.  I was diagnosed with PCOS in 2001. Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is a common hormonal disorder among women of reproductive age.
 

What kind of fertility treatments have you endured?
3 IUI treatments with Femara. We are starting on the IVF journey this spring!

What has been the lowest point in your journey? How did you overcome the negative feelings?
If I said that I don't get down in the dumps I would be lying. In October Mark and I found out that our 2nd IUI had failed. For some reason I took this one the hardest.  I was ready to quite. I was emotionally and physically drained. I was tired of taking medicine, of being on a schedule, of being sick, and I wanted a break. The Dr. had recommended 3 IUI's and that was our plan of action. Mark could see how everything was taking its toll on me and I made it very known that I was ready to give up. Mark reminded me that we had agreed on a plan and he wanted to continue. So we prayed that God would give us strength and He did!!  We continued on with on 3rd IUI that was also unsuccessful. When it’s hardest to read your Bible or pray is the time you need it the most. Some days I had to rely on God to help me make it through the day. That's where God wants us. Relying on him and not trying to rely on our own strength.

Have you found peace with your infertility?
I think I have. Everyone has a story. I believe everyone should use their story for God’s glory and to encourage others.
 


 

What advice would you give to a woman that is just beginning her infertility journey?
I would tell them to have faith God has a plan. Get a support group of friend who you can be vulnerable with and won’t judge you. Find a Dr. who you are comfortable with. Follow your gut. If a treatment doesn't feel right don't do it.
My sweet hubby answered this one too for all the husbands. Be patient and understanding with your wife and her needs. Pray A LOT:) Be honest and vulnerable with each other. You are not alone. You are not the only couple experiencing this disappointment

Q & A Part 2

Q. What goes through your head when a family member or friend announces they are expecting?

I wouldn't be human if I said I never think "when me God", or"when will it be our turn?". I remember when we first started treatments last year and a friend had just found out she was expecting. We were in a group setting and she pulled me to the side, told me she was pregnant and was about to announce it to the group. She wanted me to know so that I wasn't blind sided. The way that situation was handled spoke volumes to me. My feelings were thought of. I felt loved and cared for. You never know what someone is going through. They could have just gotten the news that the treatment they spent thousands on was unsuccessful, they could have just had a miscarriage, or they could have just started their period which means they are not pregnant!  I remember the day I made our consultation for our IVF, another pregnancy announcement was made. I ultimately was happy for this couple but I was emotional and scared for what our future held. I had a moment of selfishness and was a little angry with GOD. I didn't understand why this was happening to us. I now know that God is using us and our story for his glory!!

Q. What kind of tests and all did you have to do be diagnosed?

I don't even know where to start. I have had numerous tests, ultrasounds and medicines. Be your own advocate. Research and don't be afraid to get a second opinion.

Q. What determines whether or not you are IVF candidates.

A. Our OBGYN made a plan of action. After we did all that he could for us he referred us to a Fertility Specialist in Houston who did a series of tests. We left the decision up to the professional.

 Q. How have you and Mark stayed positive and focused?

I would say our Church is the main reason! We have an amazing support system and attend a life giving Church!

Q & A Part 1

The reason I started this blog is to help others. Tonight I thought it would be wise to ask family and friends if they could ask me anything about infertility what would they ask! I got some awesome, thought poking questions. So here we go........

Remember this my opinion and my feelings, not medical advice and please no judging;)

Q. Describe why your condition and/or Marks issues cause infertility.

A. The issues are mine:) Of course we are in this together but my body is the one not working properly.  I was diagnosed with PCOS in 2001.Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is a common hormonal disorder among women of reproductive age.

Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is the most common female endocrine disorder, affecting approximately 5%-10% of all females. PCOS is a hormonal disorder that involves multiple organ systems within the body, and is believed to be fundamentally caused by insensitivity to the hormone insulin. It can be diagnosed in all phases of life - in girls as young as 8-9 years of age, up through post-menopause. Although PCOS is one of the leading causes of infertility, the reproductive aspects of the disorder are secondary. PCOS is not limited to women of reproductive age or potential.
Common symptoms of PCOS include:

• irregular or no menstrual periods (for women of reproductive age)
• irregular ovulation, with or without monthly bleeding
• acne
• excess hair growth on the face and body
• thinning scalp hair
• accumulation of unruptured follicles on the periphery of the ovaries (mislabeled as "cysts", often called polycystic ovaries)

It is not necessary to have all of these symptoms to have PCOS. In fact it is not necessary to have "polycystic ovaries" to have PCOS. PCOS manifests itself differently in each woman.
http://www.pcosupport.org

Q. What can we as your family/friends do to help?

(Like not offer alcohol at Christmas party)

A. This one is kinda funny.....once you start the process of fertility treatments you are expected to treat your body as if you are pregnant. So, no drinking, only certain medicines you can take, limit your caffeine and don't eat certain foods.
Mark and I were at a Christmas Party and was asked if we would like an alcoholic drink. We politely declined. It was a family member so I felt inclined to remind them that we are doing treatments and would pass. The whole party got to hear our conversation.
-Just be supportive
-Pray for us
-If we are sad, let us be sad
-Check on us periodically
-Treat us normal, we aren't broken

Marks A. Be helpful and supportive.

Q. What things have helped y'all most?

A. Our Faith, Each Other and You Guys!!! Also see the section "Staying Strong".
Marks A. Knowing that we aren't the only couple facing infertility. Remembering God is in control.

Q. How do you handle people who say "Cathy, I would just be lost if I couldn't have kids."

A.I think as women we like to feel needed and wanted. So of course having kids who are dependent on you makes us feel sufficient. Mark and I have really enjoyed our time alone getting to know each either and building a strong relationship. I find my identity in being a Godly women. If I do all that I can to fulfill the call God has put on my life I will feel complete.

Q. Is adoption an option for you and Mark? With all the kids in the world why not just adopt?

A. When Mark and I started opening up about infertility we were asked "why not just adopt" as easy as "just adopt" sounds it's not that simple. Take a look at some facts.

There are two stages in the adoption process: pre-placement and post-placement. Placement is when the child enters your home, pre-placement describes the time before and post-placement the time after. There is a pre-placement waiting period for all adoptions. The time frame, like the cost, varies with the type of child being adopted. With a completed homestudy in hand, the wait is typically between two and seven years for a healthy infant.

Costs of adopting a healthy infant through a private agency or attorney in the United States range from several thousand dollars to $30,000 or more.

Q. Do you ever get comfortable with doctor visits? I know I cry every time my mom tells me I need to go to the doctor and get checked. Have you gotten comfortable yet?

A. Unfortunately I have! After 12 years of having PCOS and now starting treatments it becomes second nature to go in for an exam or for an ultrasound. The worst part for me is in the waiting room!
Marks A. NO!!!!!

Q. If u met someone in the same situation as you what advice would u give or tell them to do different?

A. I would tell them to have faith God has a plan. Get a support group of friend who you can be vulnerable with and wont judge you. Find a Dr. who you are comfortable with. Follow your gut. If a treatment doesn't feel right don't do it.

Marks A: Be patient and understanding with your wife and her needs. Pray A LOT:) Be honest and vulnerable with each other. You are not alone. You are not the only couple experiencing this disappointment.

Q. Through this whole journey, what is the most encouraging words someone has told you?

A. The one that stands out the most to me is: One of our sweet Moms came up to me one day at Church and said "Your story (of infertility) doesn't just speak to other women like you but to us Moms as well. It's a good reminder for us not to take our kids for granted but to love them".

The random texts: I'm praying for guys, You are an inspiration, You are so strong, I'm so proud of you, and you are a blessing. These always speak to Mark and I. Some of the have been received on our darkest days when no one but God knows what's happening in our lives.

Mark A. The moment that stands out the most to me is the day of our 2nd IUI. It was a Sunday. Some of the men of our Church gathered around and prayed over me and for Cathy.

 Q. After all of the investment of money and time, do u ever get down and frustrated and just completely want to give up? If so what keeps your faith up?

A. If I said that I don't get down in the dumps I would be lying. In October Mark and I found out that our 2nd IUI had failed. For some reason I took this one the hardest.  I was ready to quite. I was emotionally and physically drained. I was tired of taking medicine, of being on a schedule, of being sick,  and wanted a break. The Dr. had recommended 3 IUI's and that was our plan of action. Mark could see how everything was taking its toll on me and I made it very known that I was ready to give up. Mark reminded me that we had agreed on a plan and he wanted to continue. So we prayed that God would give us strength and He did!!  We continued on with on 3rd IUI that was also unsuccessful. When its hardest to read your Bible or pray is the time you need it the most. Some days I had to rely on God to help me make it through the day. That's where God wants us. Relying on him and not trying to rely on our own strength.