Defeated

I will never forget sitting in staff meeting discussing "The Messiah" my phone on vibrate begins to buzz. I look at it, it's the Doctors office calling with my results of my pregnancy test from the IVF that we had done two weeks prior. My heart sinks, I get nervous. No matter what the news is our lives will forever be changed. Either we are pregnant!!! Or we are not. In that moment I had a choice to make. How I was going to react to the news. I answered the phone and the sweet nurse asked "are you alone?" In that moment my worst fear was confirmed. I wasn't pregnant! The IVF, everything my body and Mark and I had been through was unsuccessful. I felt defeated.

I walked back into staff meeting with tears stinging my eyes but my head held high! I text Mark with the news. He called immediately checking on me! He was just as devastated as I. I made it through the staff meeting. Then I lost it as I told a my boss and a few others. Mark and I took the rest of the day off and the next just to wrap are heads around the news and decide our next steps. This day was the hardest part of our journey, thus far!

All day Tuesday I allowed myself to grieve and be mopey. On Wednesday morning when I woke up I had a choice the make. I could live in defeat. Allow myself to become angry, bitter and depressed. Which is where I was headed.  Or I could lift my head, admit this is only a mountain not the end. My hubby was my rock. He was ready to talk about our next steps, to move forward right away. I was ready to quit (Just being honest)! Instead of quitting I chose to believe this wasn't "The End". It was just a step closer to the finish line. It wasn't easy but I took one day at a time. One healing hug at a time from the people who love us, pray for us and care for us!

Did I question God? Of course! Did I think I was on the wrong path? For a moment, Yes!! I asked myself how could our IVF be so easy, so peaceful and be unsuccessful! Some of my questions may never be answered. Through my pain I became a little stronger, a little wiser and voice to other couples who might experience the same loss and pain. If one couple doesn't have to go through infertility alone but can hear our story and be encouraged then we are not defeated. We are Victorious!!