Day 6: Things to Say (and Not to Say)

I am always reminded I'm getting older with each year that passes and I'm still not a mom. I came across this article at resolve.org. It's a good read! Be sensitive to your friends who aren't Moms. I'm not saying we need special treatment just keep us in your prayers. 

25 Things to Say (and Not to Say) to Someone Living with Infertility

To Say:

1. 
   Let them know that you care.The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care.
2. Do your research. Read up about infertility, and possibly treatments or other family building options your friend is considering, so that you are informed when your friend needs to talk.
3. Act interested. Some people don’t want to talk about infertility, but some do. Let them know you’re available if they want to talk.
4. Ask them what they need. They may also appreciate if you ask them what the most helpful things to say are.
5. Provide extra outreach to your male friends. Infertility is not a woman’s-centric issue; your male friends are most likely grieving silently. Don’t push, but let them know you’re available.
6. When appropriate, encourage therapy. If you feel your friend could benefit from talking to a professional to handle his or her grief, suggest therapy gently. If you go to therapy regularly, or ever have, share your personal story.
7. Support their decision to stop treatment. No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. 
8. Remember them on Mother's and Father’s Day. With all of the activity on Mother's Day and Father’s Day, people tend to forget about those who cannot become mothers and fathers. Remember your infertile friends on these days; they will appreciate knowing that you haven't forgotten them.
9. Attend difficult appointments with them. You can offer to stay in the waiting room or come into the appointment with them. But the offer lets them know how committed you are to supporting them. 
10. Watch their older kids. Attending appointments may be difficult if they have older kids at home.
11. Offer to be an exercise buddy. Sometimes losing weight is necessary to make treatments more effective. If you know they are trying to lose weight, you could offer to join them because it would help you achieve your personal fitness goals as well. 
12. Let them know about your pregnancy. But deliver the news in a way that lets them handle their initial reaction privately – email is best.

Not To Say:

1. Don't tell them to relax. Comments such as "just relax" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.
2. Don't minimize the problem. Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. 
3. Don't say there are worse things that could happen. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Different people react to different life experiences in different ways.
4. Don't say they are not meant to be parents. “One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, ‘Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother.’” Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.
5. Don't ask why they are not trying IVF. Because most insurance plans do not cover IVF treatment, many are unable to pay for the out-of-pocket expenses. Infertility stress is physical, emotional, and financial.
6. Don't push adoption or another solution. So often infertile couples are asked, “Why don’t you just adopt?” The couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision or chose another family building option.
7. Don’t say, “You’re young, you have plenty of time to get pregnant.” Know the facts. It’s recommended that women under 35 see a fertility specialist after being unable to conceive for one year. Being young increases your chance of fertility treatments working, but it does not guarantee success.
8. Don't gossip about your friend's condition. For some, infertility treatments are a very private matter, which is why you should respect your friend’s privacy. 
9. Don't be crude. Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like, "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.
10. Don't complain about your pregnancy. For many facing infertility, it can be hard to be around other women who are pregnant. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Not complaining can make things a little easier for your friend. 
11. Don’t question their sadness about being unable to conceive a second child. Having one child does not mean a couple feels they have completed their family. Also, a couple may have had their first child naturally and easily but are now experiencing secondary infertility - infertility that comes after you’ve already had a child. 
12. Don’t ask whose “fault” it is. Male or female factor. Just because a friend has told you he or she is experiencing infertility as a couple, does not mean he or she wants to discuss the details.
13. On the other hand, don’t assume the infertility is female factor. 1/3 of infertility is female factor, 1/3 is male factor, and 1/3 is unexplained.

Sources:

• How Can I Support A Friend with Infertility

Day 5: Prayer

Day 4: When waiting becomes hard

I was recently reading a blog about healing and the question was asked "Do you believe God only heals instantly?" And "if He didn't your faith just wasn't big enough."

Here's how I answered and how believe........

That is definitely hard to believe! I believe both ways. Sometimes God says "yes", and instantly heals you instantly , "no" and that's His final answer and not right now:) 

What about Sarah? Her healing wasn't instant. Noah's wasn't healing but he waited on God as well! There's numerous stories in the Bible about waiting on God! 

My husband and I have been trying for a baby for 14 yrs!! Faith of a mustard seed-oh we have much bigger faith than that!! 

Then why hasn't God given us the desires of our hearts? Because it's just not in His plan, yet or maybe ever. 

Because His word says He has a plan to prosper us and not to harm us. I have to believe that!! 

 It's not for the lack of trying on our part. We are in the middle of our 5th (and last) fertility treatment. 

Our job is not to question God but to be obedient!! I don't know why I'm not healed or if I will ever hold a precious baby that I have longed for but I do know that as long as God provides a way for us to try we should use it. 

We prayed, fasted and set a plan. 

During this journey I'm learning how to appreciate Gods love, grace, favor, faithfulness and joy more than I ever would have if I have been instantly healed 13 years ago!!!

Day 3: FAQ-Infertility

FAQ-Infertility

Q:What is Infertility?
A: Infertility is a disease of the reproductive system that impairs one of the body's most basic functions: the conception of children. Conception is a complicated process that depends upon many factors.

Q:What Causes Infertility?
A: No one can be blamed for infertility any more than anyone is to blame for diabetes or leukemia. In rough terms, about one-third of infertility cases can be attributed to male factors, and about one-third to factors that affect women. For the remaining one-third of infertile couples, infertility is caused by a combination of problems in both partners or, in about 20 percent of cases, is unexplained.

Q: How is Infertility Diagnosed?
A: Couples are generally advised to seek medical help if they are unable to achieve pregnancy after a year of unprotected intercourse. The doctor will conduct a physical examination of both partners to determine their general state of health and to evaluate physical disorders that may be causing infertility. 

Q: What is In Vitro Fertilization?

A: (IVF) offers a chance at parenthood to couples who until recently would have had no hope of having a "biologically related" child. 

In IVF, eggs are surgically removed from the ovary and mixed with sperm outside the body in a Petri dish. After about 40 hours, the eggs are examined to see if they have become fertilized by the sperm and are dividing into cells. These fertilized eggs (embryos) are then placed in the women's uterus.

Q: Is In Vitro Fertilization Expensive?

A: The average cost of an IVF cycle in the United States is $12,400. Like other extremely delicate medical procedures, IVF involves highly trained professionals with sophisticated laboratories and equipment, and the cycle may need to be repeated to be successful. While IVF and other assisted reproductive technologies are not inexpensive, they account for only three hundredths of one percent (0.03%) of U.S. health care costs. Most fertility treatments are not covered by insurance.

Day 2: Our Story

When Mark and I decided to go public about our fertility struggles three years ago (that means we kept it to ourselves for 11years) our hope was to help other couples not feel alone in this journey. 

I was scared of what people would think of me when we revealed our "secret" but it was time to let God use our story for His purpose. We had been married for over 11 years people were wondering if we would ever have kids. When we were asked "don't you want kids?" We would politely tell them our situation. At this point we had never shared our story in a large group setting. 

Today we are open about every decision we have made since going public. I even started this blog:) we have helped so many couples. We have prayed with, encouraged and just listened to their stories. 

 I love sharing my story and how faithful God has been to Mark and I. You maybe asking "How is God faithful? You don't have a child?"

I saw a quote that said "if your dreams can be achieved without God's help, then your dreams aren't big enough". We are continuing to have hope!! 

In the last two years we have been through 3 IUI's, 2 IVF's and meeting a birth mom about adopting her twins, to which all were unsuccessful. Mark and I have been through a lot and can share our experiences better now than when we first went public.   

Mark and I have taken the last year off to heal and pray about our future plans. We have not decided on our next steps. We are continuing to wait and see what God has planned for us!! 

Day 1: Welcome!!!!

Thanks for joining me on this journey. I pray over the next 31 days you are encouraged by what you read. So let's start with an intro...I'm Cathy. I'm a simple Christian girl, who likes football, traveling and working out.  Mark and I just celebrated 14 years of marriage this week!! Shortly after we married I was diagnosed with PCOS, a type of infertility. We have been trying for a family our entire marriage, without success. So, waiting isn't anything new to us. I will share some more about our journey and infertility in the coming days. Last year during "Write 31 Days" I wrote about "Waiting" at that time we were doing fertility treatments that we now know the outcome wasn't what we had hoped for. Waiting isn't fun but we can make the best of it! During "While I'm Still Waiting" I will share some ideas, tips and things I did to minimize me going crazy during this very LONG season of our lives. We are continuing to wait and live out the plan God has for us.  If you have any questions or are on the same path and need encouragement, I'm your girl!